Hightop sneakers and sailor tattoos

Me and my mom

My two favorite daddys - my daddy, and my baby daddy

My little fashionista. How do you like the snow boots with the sundress :)

What can I say, even cowgirls get the blues.

Hey internet family, what's up? Well, as I inadvertently twittered a few nights ago, the rumors are true. I am pregnant. I pretty much feel like crap. At all times. Which is supposed to be a good sign. So mostly, if I'm not at work, I've been sleeping. I went to the doc a few weeks to get a blood test, just to make sure things were okay. She thought some of my levels were low so she put me on some hormones for the first trimester to help strengthen my uterus or something, to help this baby along. Actually, since I got them, I've been feeling much better. Still just really, really tired. Only a few more weeks of this. Brian has been wonderful. He cooks supper (frozen tatter tots and frozen chicken strips, but still) and lets me get quick naps in. Which is nice cause we barely get to see each other. I've been heading to bed around ten every night. I remember from Ash though, that I felt really great by the fourth month, so I'm really looking forward to that. The really fun thing is, I'm in Robb and Katies wedding in October, which means, pretty pregnant, in that really form fitting dress. I won't even tell you what size I ordered it in! Good thing I have a good seamstress down here. She can work wonders, I'm confident.

It's been a bit introspective around here lately. Ashley will turn five this summer. So I'm remembering five years ago, pregnant with her. How different life is now. I never saw this for me, back then, but I love it. It's amazing what hard work and a few years can bring you. I am eternally sad to have left Mpls, but somehow, I feel freer down here. I'm not sure what it is. I miss so many things bout my old home so dearly, but I'm discovering so many wonderful things about KC, too. Our new neighborhood is fabulous, and I know that you don't need a house to build a life, but I feel a real stability in having one. Like I don't have to worry about leases, and moving and getting something bigger and better. We can just get on with the business of our lives. So it's super exciting to be planning to have a baby, to decorate a real nursery (red wall and band posters), to plan ahead and save. To have my husband be really, really, excited to have his baby.

When I was pregnant with Ash, I lived in that little apartment on Franklin. That summer, me and my sister would go to Hidden Beach all the time. I was huge! And I had my little bikini and I'm sure people stared, but it was hot and the water felt great on my big 'ol body. We'd get Sebastian Joe's Ice Cream on our way home. We stated the tradition of Sushi Sunday because of the great happy hour 12-5 at Sushi Tangos. The chefs there knew as much about my pregnancy as my mom did! I was laying behind Angela on her bed one day, talking to her and the baby kicked her back. She was the first one other than me to feel Ash kick. And then I went into labor and headed to the hospital. Then people stared showing up. Probb, Shorty, Jim, Kyja. Ryan, I had like 15 people at the hospital just waiting. And they stayed the whole 22 hours! Jim played his guitar for me at 4 am, Robb did his best to tick me off and Shorty and Kyja gave me back rubs. It was wonderful.

So I'm thinking I really want to do a home birth with this baby. Brian is not convinced, but I'm working on him. Last time, I really wanted a midwife, but my mom talked me out of it and I've really regretted it. Dr Agee was great, but I was on and iv and pitosen and heart monitors and all this crap that I didn't want. Granted, my refusal to take drugs and the size of Ash (10 lbs!) made for a really rough labor and a lot of the was necessary, still, I hated it. So this time around, I'm sticking to my guns and doing it my way. I know Brian is just worried about me and the baby. I've already set up appointments to meet with midwives that specialize in home births. And I talked to my folks about doing it at their house. They have a double jacuzzi bathtub in their bathroom. It's be perfect. Both of my parents are nurses and you can believe that their first interest will be our safety. I think we'll be just fine. And Ash can be there for the whole thing, I won't have to find alternate care for her. She can go sleep in her bed if she wants to and she'll just be a room away. There's plenty of bed for mom-in-law and anyone else that wants to be there. And after the baby is born, Brian and I can sleep in a bed together, a nice big comfortable bed. People can come visit us there, not some clinical hospital. And hospitals are breading ground for nasty bacteria and virus, especially anti-biotic resistant strains. Our baby will be much safer at our home. People treat pregnancy and labor as a problem that needs to be drugged and fixed. It's actually a wonderful experience that I want to have in a happy, warm, comfortable environment. So if we don't do a home birth, we will defiantly do a birthing center somewhere, with a hospital the very last thing we have to do, if things go poorly. I really thought my mom would be against this (she loves modern medicine) but she's totally on board! She told me that after seeing how well I did with my first one, I'll do great at home. It's nice to have her support. And I don't think my dad is loving the idea of a baby being born in his bathtub, but hey, we'll clean it!

So that's most of the news for now. I'm gonna go pass out.

(Follow my inane daily updates at https://twitter.com/Lotus_and_Otis)

Thr rumors are true

I just never could keep a secret. Especially when people start to wonder why I'm giving up coffee and eating all healthy and stuff. So, baby on the way. Due late February. So far things are going well, I'm feeling really good, just really tired. I've been going to bed at ten just about every night. So keep us in your prayers, keep this baby strong, keep me strong and that things continue to go well.

We went to a concert the other night. Our baby's first official concert :) We're calling him/her Deuce until we get to meet him/her and pick a real name.

So... Meet Deuce...

Gee Whiz, what a weekend.

The Beautiful Ashley Roze, ready for church
Me and the band - Tobe of the Street Dogs
Brian's broken nose
Me and my lover
The Crazy Eye


I really feel my age. Lets see, so Sunday morning I decided to go to Tulsa to see the Street Dogs cause I love them and they keep skipping KC when they tour. So I put some feelers out and Ben says he'll go and my mom will too. Which means we get to drive my mom's car. Which is actually a really nice car. Fast. So Sunday afternoon I lose my voice. I feel like crap. Monday, more of the same. So I dip out of work early and go to the doctor. The conversation goes like this.

"Doc, I have the swine flu"
"No, you just have allergies"
"No, I think you misunderstand what's going on here, I have the swine flu, I'm dying."
"No, you just have allergies."

Needless to say, she sends me on my way with allergy meds. Meanwhile, my left eye has gotten very red and gross. I nickname it The Crazy Eye. I wear my glasses for the next three days. Which are actually new and the right prescription and rather cute. Things are looking up and I almost have my voice back and we get up at the crack of dawn on Thursday. Ben comes over and I cut the hawk before we hit the road. I decide to Twitter the whole trip. Ashley keeps calling Ben 'Nick'. Ben wants to know if he can drive the car. Mom decides he can drive and she'll sleep. Instead I watch Mom have about three mini heart attacks as Ben drives her car in ways it has never been driven (by her at least). We get to Tulsa. My eye freaks out again and I have to take the contacts out. I forgot contact solution. We go to Wal-greens and get stared at (mohawked and tattooed). Some guy really likes Ben's hair and my tattoos.

Later that evening I'm sitting outside in my cousin Rebbecca's backyard holding her 4 month old daughter, Kai. Ben is playing blues on the electric guitar (Rebbecca's husband used to be in a punk band so he and Ben talk shop for a long time). It's a beautiful 75 degree day and I can smell fresh cut strawberries. It's a quiet, fabulous moment.

Dinner is over and we head to the show in some dive bar. People stare at us more. I try to convince some guy that I am the most Martha Stewart type girl he'll ever meet. He tells me that I can't be with that shoulder tattoo. He asks what's wrong with my eye. I tell him about The Crazy Eye. The show starts. Ben and I are running around having a great time scaring Tulsa folks, despite the fact that I can barely breathe cause of the 'allergies'. Singing along to every song. Two songs in Mike yells "Kansas City, I want to see you dance!" I guess he recognized us. Great show and afterwards, we are talking to Mike and Tobe, who asks me about The Crazy Eye as well. So they invite us back to the bus to hang out with them and Alkaline Trio, who is also touring with them, but didn't play that night. We don't go cause I am too tired. Ben hates me.

So heading back home the next day and I sleep. A lot. Which irritates Ashley. I have lost my voice again. We run to the grocery store real quick and start getting ready to go see the Offspring. Ben and Kelsie come over and we grill some burgers and put Ben's hawk back up. We tell Brian and Kelsie how lame the crowd at the Tulsa show was. Off we go to another show.

The crowd here sucks too, We don't like Amberlin so we stay out for that, but head in when Alkaline trio starts. very, very push pit. Lots of big dumb frat boy types who think it's just an excuse to hit people. So I get thrown around a lot. I fall down a lot. They play This Could Be Love and Brian and I dance together in the mosh pit. That part was great. The Used was next and we skipped that, the Taking Back Sunday who put on a killer set, I thought. Then the Offspring start and the pit gets really wild. So Brian finds me at one point and says,"I feel like my nose is broken". I look and it looks like a half moon. I mean, it is screwed up! So we laugh for a minute then get serious and head out of the pit.

Long story short, he has no idea what or who hit him and he shattered it into about eight pieces. He goes in on Friday for surgery to fix it. I 'm pretty frustrated. I mean, we're just getting our finances under control and this happens! I have no idea how much it's going to cost us, but I'm assuming a few thousand dollars. But it's broken so bad, he has too! So anyway, I'm sure it's really painful and uncomfortable for him too. I'll keep you all updated. So anyway, we decided we may be too old for mosh pits. From now on, we'll be the boring people in the back. Neato.

Other news, I think I may start writing a book. I dunno. It's an idea that was brought up to me and I keep throwing around. It occurs to me that while my life is not that interesting, I have a good way of making a mundane story entertaining. I think that's why half of my clients go to me. well, that and my stunning color expertise :)

Sigh. I used to blog so much...

I just get so tired anymore. So what's up, what's new. i have felt like death for the last several days, as many of you know. So I got my little self into the doctor today and it's just really, really bad allergies. So I got some prescription allergy meds. So she tells me that they may make me drowsy, to take them while ate home to best gauge how they affect me. How, I ask you, does only being able to take them at home help me? I mean, I have lost my voice the last two days at work. My voice is important to me! My clients come in to hear me talk, to hear my stories (apparently I'm pretty talented at turning my run-of-the-mill suburban/revolutionary life into an interesting saga). So I keep losing my voice and kids, it just plain hurts! So anyway, my eye also started turning really red at work today too, so it turns out I also have an eye infection. Killer. She gives me drops and says that if it's not better int morning, to go see an eye specialist. Great. That sounds promising. Besides, I have two booked solid days on Tuesday and Wednesday and I need the money! But I can't work with an eye infection. So this better be resolved by morning.

I have decided to trek down to Tulsa to see the Street Dogs on Thursday. I haven't had a road trip in a while so I'm excited. I mean, the house will suffer, for sure. My weekends are time to grocery shop and clean, laundry all that, but it will be okay. Brian will live off of Totino's party pizza's and watch bad movies (he was watching BloodRayne today. I mean, seriously, I have never seen a worse movie. Everything, the costumes, the accents, the acting, the set design, all of it.) So anyway, Ben in coming (my concert buddy) and my mom, cause I have a couple of aunts in Tulsa. So that will be interesting. Two punk rockers and my mom in the (what is it Ben?) GS35. Then back on Friday for the Offspring show. Playing with Amberlin (throw rocks at them), The Used (gag, makes me want to shoot myself), Taking Back Sunday (who I actually like), and Alkaline Trio (I like them too). Busy busy weekend. I'm excited. You see why I need this allergy/eye infection thing cleared up NOW! I have faith that when I wake up in the morning, I will feel like a whole new person.

So, Week 3 of the new budget. We are doing awesome! Basically what I did was make a monthly budget. I have a space for everything, from mortgage to pets (dog food) to clothing to entertainment to allowances. Then I went through the month of may and wrote down each paycheck and what was getting paid from each one. So before May even started, I had the money divided up and spent. So we get to use our debit cards for gas and that's IT. I made it pretty flexible, with our allowances and with our entertainment fund. But once it's gone, it's gone. It was neat though, I was at Target and bought some new clothes and I didn't feel guilty about it, because it was budgeted! It honestly takes a lot of stress off of me, because I know that all the bills will get paid. In fact, in three weeks alone, we have made $300 in credit card payments! At this rate, we can have all of our credit card debt paid off in four months. Then all we have left is my school loans. I have a meeting with our financial adviser on Friday (between getting back from Tulsa and going to the Offspring) and we are opening a 529 which is a college savings fund for Ashley and we'll start making monthly deposits in there and also transferring our IRA into a Roth IRA. The rumor is that the government will be doing away with the Roth IRA's in 2010 because they are such a good deal for the public and such a bad deal for the government (post-tax investments vs per-tax). But if you already have a Roth, you'll be grandfathered in. So we'll start making monthly deposits into that too. They're small now, but after we get the credit cards paid off, we can start adding bigger payments. Theses are all thing that I've had to learn about recently, but are oh so important for our future. We understand that we will never make six-figure salaries, but that doesn't mean that with careful money management and restraint, we can't live very comfortable lives. We are on our way. For example, we don't have car payments right now, we own both cars outright. So I opened a savings account and we are putting $200 a month in it, like it's a car payment. So at $200 a month, in three years we will have $7200+ interest. You can buy a very decent used car for that. And then we won't have any debt, any interest we have to pay. So then maybe we start saving $300 a month instead and in three years we have $10,000 in the bank. Instead of piddling our money away on interest payments, we're thinking ahead and buying things outright. SO anyway, money management. That's where it's at.

I heard a quote tonight - Capability breads humility. It means the better you are at something, the less you have to talk about how good you are at something. So I guess I need to shut up about being a stellar colorist.

I think the allergy meds are kicking in so I'm gonna log off before this blog goes really weird. Look out for updates, photos and yes, probably videos, about my weekend.

Next week - Gogol Bordello

A perfect day

What a lovely day. I swore off all errands and cleaning for the day. First I met with my friend Ashley and took our kiddos to Deanna Roze farmstead where the kids can feed baby goats from bottles, feed adult goats, ducks, fish, cows, and just about every farm animal you can imagine. There is a fishing pond and a hayride and a pony ride. If you can handle about 100 other screaming children, it's actually a run time. And free. Then I took my mom out to a fancy lunch for mother's day. I used to do that all the time for her and haven't much the last few years. The older I get though, I realize time is more important than anything else I can give her.

After that Brian and Ash and I went to pick up the dogs. Maddi got spayed and Strummer was hanging out keeping her company. We got lots of compliments int eh waiting room on how well trained Strummer is. Which makes me feel like we're doing a good job. Maddi is our new foster. She has been with us two weeks and has gained ten pounds. She is a full-blooded border collie. She came to us weighing 14 pounds and scared to death of everything! She will now come when called (sometimes) and will let us pet her. She still won't voluntarily spend any time out of her kennel though. She's such a sad little thing, but I think she'll recover well. We'll probably have her most of the summer, I expect. Doc thinks puppy mill, but the shelter she came from said abuse. Anyway, it's a sad thing to do to a dog.

After we got home Ash watched a bit of a movie and I sat outside and read while Brian climbed our apple tree and cut off branches (we've decided to put the poor tree out of it's misery) while the dog and the cat roamed around beneath him. It was pretty funny. It was such a nice peaceful few minutes. Then we made spaghetti carbanara and garlic bread and ate outside in the beautiful 75 degree weather. Lovely.

Brian left for work and Ash and I decided to take the dogs for a walk. That was a trip. I have one dog I'm trying to teach to heel and another that has probably never been on a walk in her whole life. Challenging, at best. By the end though, Strummer seemed to be getting pretty good at heel. Won't it be nice when I can take him on a walk without a leash! I think it's possible.

Then I just acquired My Neighbor Totoro, which I'm pretty sure is one of the greatest kids movies ever. And surprisingly well-dubbed into English. You go, Dakota Fanning. I'm so happy to have it for Ashley. I need to get her more of the Studio Ghibli stuff, but since she can't read I need stuff that's been dubbed. It's better than nothing right?

So anyway, now I'm doing a nice at home facial and my my pores are looking very polished indeed. All in all, it was a perfect day off. The only thing better would be if Brian was still home and maybe a bit of winkedy-wink-wink.

Time to read some more Sookie Stackhouse.

Summer's Coming

Oh boy is it gonna be a busy one. Brian tore up the back half of the yard and put down seed and fertilizer. "It's all in God's hands now" he told me. It will take an act of God to keep those dogs out of the fenced off area, that's for sure. It looks like one of my tomato plants isn't going to make it. It's the Beefeater though, so I don't care too much, the Heirloom is looking good. I still need to plant my sugar snap peas and herbs. That's all I'm doing this year. We don't have much are for a garden and with all the big trees, no area in the yard that gets enough extended sunlight. So I'm planting in pots on top of the dog house.

I have this old china hutch that my mom gave me. You've probably seen it in pictures. I love it cause it holds so much, but it looks pretty dated, and not in a good way. So I have a plan. A rather ambitious one. I want to remove the glass and replace it. That part will be easy, it comes right out. But I want to find a specialty glass place that will make me new panes, maybe with something cool like a sparrow etched on it. Then I want to replace all the knows. Again, very easy. Here's the hard part. I want to sand it all down and refinish it. I want to stain it really dark, like a mahogany or something. I know it will take a lot of time, but I can work on it at night while Brian is at work. I've never done anything like this so we'll see how it goes. I'll fumble through it, like I do everything else grand that I attempt, I'm sure. Like that time I tried to sew Ashley an Easter dress. Never again, folks, never again. But anyway, when it's done, it will be stellar. And much more usable. And my mother-in-law gave me her china set and it's a really nice simple cream colored set. I want to display it in the hutch, but not the way it is now. And I need to get rid of all that bar glassware that I have. But I kinda like having martini glasses, margarita glasses, highballs, rocks glasses, champagne flutes, red wine glasses, white wine glasses, about fifty shot glasses, traditional Japanese sake set, traditional Japanese teas set, two french presses, two shakers, a jigger, kids, I got it all. And I don't use any of it anymore. But I like having it. We'll see. I just need to rearrange.

Also, I need to start on my church cookbook.

And I need to start on my cookbook.

I have a lot to do.

I went through an did up a budget for us. It turns out we have about $900 a month unaccounted for. That means, not going to pay any bills. That is unbelievable! We are hemorrhaging money! I've got to find it. So I sat down and made a list of every week for the rest of the year and who gets paid when and were. Then for the month of May I wrote down what gets paid each week, where all the money needs to go. So we'll see how this goes. It seems like we're always struggling at the beginning of each month, the middle is okay, but then in anticipation of the beginning of the next month, we're broke again at the end of the month. I really want to even things out and get everything under control. I want to know where our money is! And the problem isn't Brian, I know it's me. It's just, with double incomes, we have a lot more money, but we have double the bills too! So I'm getting used to managing all of this. I mean we have to budget dog bills, dog food, clothes for Ash, gas, car repairs, even the food I like to cook to take to our friends houses, hair product! Makeup! Color for my hair, color for Brian's hair! And I need to stop eating at Dean and Deluca a couple times a week. And he needs to knock off Chipotle. We can do this. I'll let you know how it goes at the end of May.

Today is my two year anniversary at Mario's.

Tattoo Number ?

Mmmm, I'm not even sure anymore. It's funny I was talking to a friend today after my latest acquisition and remarking about how to most of my friends, and certainly to my clients, I am the 'tattooed girl', but until today, I haven't really felt like the tattooed girl. Now I think I am on my way. I mean, I have all these little ones, only one big one. And truly, a lot of those early ones, I barely even count. So today I started on my first project tattoo. It will eventually be a 3/4 sleeve. We outlined the top portion of it and I have an appointment in two weeks to get the lilies colored. And that will have to do for now cause he's going on tour to japan for two months and I'm gonna really start working on that whole baby thing. But I'll feel pretty good to get that much done for now. I'd say I probably have four or five more sessions to finish it all the way below my elbow. But you can see the potential and envision where it will eventually go.

So anyway. Other than the part that pretty much went into my armpit, this tattoo was such a breeze compared to my other recent ones. Even my back hurt more, I think. I mean, I barely feel it right now. When I got the inside of my arm done, that burned for hours. It was pink and puffy for days.

So anyway, since I only have one day off this week and spent half the day at the tattoo shop, I have lots of stuff to do. Laundry, clean the kitchen. Clean up from our mohawk session. Shower. You know, the usual.

Oh, yeah, Keira may be meeting her adoptive family tomorrow. I'm a little sad to see her go. She is so sweet. But, that's one less being to clean up after around here. As if one dog, two cats, a kid and a husband weren't enough, right?

And that picture of my sitting on the couch? Ashley took that. She turning into quite the little photgrapher :)

Rage and Grace

So wow, I feel like I haven't blogged in forever. It has been a couple of weeks and that's so odd for me. So anyway, what's new? I got a root canal and the filling did NOT fall out, regardless of what I thought late one night. In fact, it seems to be doing quite well. Ashley is home from her two week hiatus to Mpls and I am reminded of why I cherish her so much. And am reminded to cherish her. She is such an incredible blessing in my life. Speaking of blessings...I am not pregnant. As of today. I was talking to a friend today who is finally pregnant after years of trying, about how it's such a disappointment, every month. How for so many women, when they're late, it's that terrible sinking feeling, that oh, crap what am I going to do? And for others, when they're late, it's hope and rejoicing and excitement. It's so interesting that something so mundane can really cause so many different reactions. So anyway. Not pregnant. Kinda sad, but that's okay, we haven't been trying for long.

On another topic, I am starting a total money makeover for our family. I just made the finally payment on the surgery for Brian's arm yesterday. Now I am in the process of figuring out what we owe who. My goal is to have us completely debt free in two years. With enough money in savings to cover three months of expenses, from mortgage to daycare to groceries. That means no more credit cards ( we don't owe a lot, relatively speaking, but I still want it gone). I want my school loans paid off and any other random stuff too. I still have seven years left on my school loans, but if we really focus, I think w can do it. So lucky for all of you, you're along for the rid. I plan on journaling our progress. it occurs to me that I am 28 and have very little to show for it and if I really sit down and figure it out, we owe more than we are worth. That's not the legacy I want to leave for my children. I want to live free and not have to worry about money of interest rates of emergencies. I don't exactly live paycheck to paycheck, but close enough. I want a cushion in the bank. Money is a dumb thing to worry about and I'm doing what I cant to remove that from my life. Imagine! Living debt free, completely cash based except for our mortgage! We'll see. The first thing I need to do is cut up my credit cards, which I am avoiding by writing this blog. I'll do it tonight, I promise!

This could be a movie sequence, I think

So I am in my bathroom this morning minding my own business combing Ash's hair when the dogs start barking up a storm so I go look out the window and it Linda, who I'd fogotten was coming over for a haircut so I go down to let her in and notice that there is a small river flowing from my washing machine across my basement floor (thank God into the drain). So I let her in and we run into look at it and the washing machine is overflowing, water is just pouring out of it and we unplug everything and that doesn't stop it so we turn the water valve off and that doesn't work (old valves that won't turn off all the way) so we try to turn the water off to the house in the meantime I'm yelling for Brian to wake up (who is exhausted from his four hour color session on his tattoo yesterday then had to go straight to work). I tell him that the washer is overflowing and he jumps out of bed and I tell him to put pants on because Linda's here and he runs downstairs and tell me to find a wrench so as I'm digging through he tool box a putty knife slices my finger open, I mean deep! So he's finally getting the valve to turn off and it breaks off! Which is funny cause when we moved in his mom told us that the valves were old and corroded and they needed replaced but my dad said no they were fine. So I told Brian not to tell his mom about this! So we got the water shut off to the whole house know, the valve to the washing machine is broken, and we need a new washing machine.

Brian goes back to bed, I cut Linda's hair and the dogs go back outside and hump each other (since they're both fixed I guess it's okay right?)

And it's not even noon yet.

Life in my little world

Here are pictures of our new foster dog, Kiera. She's super sweet and will make a wonderful family dog for someone. Also videos of Ashley hosting her first sleepover with her best friend Ashtyn.

Summer Tour Madness

So, new concert announcement, The Offspring will be here May 22 for Buzz Under the Stars with Alkaline Trio, The Used, Taking Back Sunday and Anberlin, which is awesome right? But then I check out The Offspring's official tour announcement and they are touring with several opening bands and the one that is supposed to be with them through May is the Street Dogs, which we all know happens to be one of my favorite bands, but they are not on the Buzz line-up. What the crap is that? Everyone else gets the Street Dogs and we get to a crappy whiny band like The Used? My luck just sucks!

In other news:

Brian gets more tattoo work done tomorrow (finally getting some more color on his side)

I hate hate hate Ed Hardy!

My new Lux De Ville purse shall arrive any day.

We got our first foster dog last week. She came to us as Coconut which we thought was perhaps the dumbest name for a dog ever so we renamed her Kiera. She was definitely neglected. She is a seven month old border collie mix. When she came last week she was not potty trained, had no idea how to play, with us or our other dog, she was a little skinny and attacked our dog whenever he came near her. Now she has gained five pounds, learned how to play fetch with a ball, and is potty trained. She follows Strummer where ever he goes, they play together in the back yard and she sleeps in Ash's room when Ash goes to bed. She is a completely different dog! it's so neat to see what a good stable family can do for a dog. She will make some family very happy, we think.

I went to the dentist last week and need a root canal and a crown. That's what you get for not going to the dentist for nine years. Rotten teeth. At least Ash's looked good. She didn't inherit good teeth from me, that's for sure. Tomorrow is her first eye exam.

Ash is going to Mpls next week and I am painting my house. And having happy hour with Tony. And sleeping, sleeping, sleeping in. Sleeping in.

Epic Love Story

I love love stories. Maybe cause I'm in one. I get all happy when people make it. When two people can just get over themselves and be happy together. My lover is a great guy who can deal with me and I am eternally lucky that I found one. He tells me every day that he loves me and haw lucky he feels to be with me, but I think I'm the lucky one.

Enough of that!

I am in my office right now and I am think this is my favorite room in the house. Except maybe the kitchen. Let me tell you what I love about this room. It is a disaster! There are stacks of cd's and books everywhere. There are several spots where stacks have tipped over and made a giant mess. There are stacks of photo albums, boxes overflowing with random things like pirate flags and leftover wedding invitations. There are posters all over the wall, like The Cramps, Johnny Cash and The Cure. Also the infamous shot of Robert Deniro in Taxi with the mohawk and the guns. You can see his smiling face through the window from the street and I do wonder what our neighbors say about us. This room is full of old friends. Music and books, my old journals. A ten pound barbell. Stacks of photos. A chess set. Candles. Tape. Belt buckles. Pens and hair clips and bobby pins and childrens books. This room is a mess and I love it.

I also love my cookbooks. Some times I just read through them and look for new ideas. I have a new one, The Complete Guide to Baking. I want to make a cheesecake. This book will show me how.

Excerpt from my journal -

My house
6-2-01
I hung beads in the doorway and cried in the middle of the afternoon today. I am in my own house. I am finally home. I am living my dream! I am so happy, God has blessed me to the most I ever imagined. Life is good, amazing wonderful. I am really on my own. I made it.

06-11-01
Band Practice
if my life had a soundtrack,
it would be you
with a sparkling laugh
ans smooth low tones
wide awake with wonderment
or softly questioning the night
with your life pulsing out of your skin
you are my ever-changing melody, alternately exciting me and calming me
You make so many sharp edges but I can see your delicateness peeking out from your boots
So many notes crashing together
you clash so well
You are my one-man band
singing directly to me without knowing it
You are my favorite song
making me turn up the volume and laugh and cry and smile and the emotions well up as your bass shakes my soul and your lyrics touch me deep inside and my blood pumps through me in time to your rhythm
You fit each moment perfectly like you were written just for me
When you're not here, I feel your absence underlying every action
Every now and then I see a flash of something new
and you surprise me again
You turn to smile at me and my heart jumps
You see me in the dark
When I don't know what to say
And even if I don't know the words
I can always dance
and I'm never quite alone
when you're singing to me
If my life had a soundtrack
It would be you.

8-15-01
Matt, Shorty, Beth, Perfect Robb, Kyja and Ryan all came over tonight and we all got smashed and played Monopoly and climbed on the roof of my apartment building and i am reminded of how lucky i am and how amazing my friends are.

2-23-02
Beth kissed me! Shorty broke up with Jim.

4-5-04
I can feel a storm coming over the city
The air feels cooler, cleaner
I can feel you growing inside of me and I am so scared
I feel like mother earth
a life producing goddess
more beautiful than I have ever been

6-27-04
I feel so gross and ugly. i'm getting fat end everyday my body gets more and more uncomfortable

11-9-04
Ashley Roze, light of my life, you were born on September 10th at 3:13 pm. I spent 20 hours in labor with you. i remember my mother was in town and my dad had just gotten into town too, Angela was coming over for dinner and so did Kyja. I had made a huge spaghetti dinner and Kyja told me that she was moving to Portland in six days. I think that may have had something to do with my water breaking. regardless, it did and 20 hours later you showed up, screaming and bloody, into my world. As soon as they gave you to me, you cuddled into my chest and stopped crying, you were just so tired. You knew you were home.

8-10-05
Divorce
Never felt like this before
no so much anyway
everything else fades
away at the end of the day
all I can think
red towards you
not good enough
not punk enough
not fun enough
Did you have to lie to me?
Did you think I wouldn't find out?
my love
tossed aside
out the window
like a dead butt
So I end up back here
safe even from you
Is she like
I used to be?
does she have any kids?
does she have short hair?
bet she thinks you're sweet.
You can never undo this
i've been disassembled
rearranged
my life is just beginning
you just threw yours away

10-24-05
I shared pudding with my beautiful, amazing, delightful daughter this evening. Her smile makes it all worthwhile.

1-16-06
If you had any clue, would you have still left? the joy that your child brings me permeates every minute of every day. She is sweet and funny and smart and loving. I cannot imagine life without her. She's a better version of me. I wish you knew, but you're probably better off not knowing, Someday a man will come along and want your job. He'll see this amazing girl and take her in his arms and love her almost as much as I do.

2-4-06
Do you really want to live forever?
Do you hear the night?
calling out to me
The voices of the past
the future
someday you'll come
You'll grab me by the hair and tell me that you cannot live without me
You cannot control me
But I cannot resist you
A culture of darkness calls to me
my colors so bright and garish
at least know they notice me
you told me
I'm all your broken dreams
You know where to find me
you know how to stay
forever young

(no date)
who is that girl
wearing my dress?
too skinny
too much make-up
too much hair
I'm standing here
with a shaved head
smoking cigarettes
defiant to the end
confused
wondering what happened

(no date)
Don't just turn head...Break Necks

There is a storm coming
I can feel it in the air
electric
I get so excited
in the dark
the flashing light
when I don't know what to say
thunder rumbles
you look at me
it grips me so, I cannot break free

let's bring it all into the light
see what needles through
left to wonder why
did you love me better in black or white?
don't you remember me from years before?
I wore white for yo
lipstick stains on my dress
I retreat

did you know this song bores me?
your tattoos belay your true thoughts
they draw me to you
the living color on your skin
I have dreams of
smoke and saxophones
but I wake up alone

can you read between the lines?
the lipstick stains on my mirrors
distort in this light
fake nails make me feel fake
who is the girl beneath all of this?
my masks keep you at bay
my scars and cracks and blisters
just distract you
you've seen this before
badass black
rock 'n roll red
porcelain poseur
lips locked
I don't care what you say
I'm inviting you
you can have me
lipstick stains and all

And you know what? He took me, lipstick stains and all. That was my last entry in the journal I've kept for twelve years. About that time I started blogging regularly and I guess the compute became my journal. Wow! I didn't really plan on sharing all that, but hey, sharing is what I do! Love it or leave it, I don't care. Sorry about the typos'

On Babies and Concerts

o


o
These are pictures from the Rise Against concert last October. It was one of the funnest times in recent memory. Well, date night a few weeks ago was a gas too. But anyway, Rancid and Rise Against are two of my favorite bands and they will be here together in June and i already bought our tickets but I was kind of worried because I might be pregnant again by then and I didn't want to get bounced around too much, but I was talking to one of my clients about it (who happens to be and OB) and she told me that no way could I do anything in a mosh pit to hurt the baby if I'm only a few months along. Yah! She was pretty certain about it. She told me that for the first three months the baby is so little and so protected that I would be fine. That's not to say I won't be taking it a bit easy, but at least I can hop in for a bit.

Let's take the night off...

...from mental stress

Let's celebrate that we don't give a...

Oh man, turn it up! Sick of it All is the name of the band and the music is really speaking to me tonight. It occurs to me that I am incredible patient and stoic, but I do get tired. Tired of constantly being beat on. If I moved somewhere else would it be like this? One thing I've really noticed about this city it it's penchant for drama. And I hate drama. I feel like I really need a change in my life right now. I've got a few ideas to start working on, I just need to get going and do them. I want to get my shoulders tattooed. I want to tell all the liars that I know. I want to make my husband happy. I want to get dressed up and go out dancing. I want to wear high heels and pearls and sip champagne and laugh the night away. I want you to realize that I really don't care and leave me alone. I want to get lost in this little world where we make spaghetti carbonara for dinner and stack scotcheroos in the kitchen.

Ash and I went to dinner the other night and it occurred to me that sushi is really the worlds most perfect food. I enjoyed wonderful (if a bit juvenile) conversation with Ash as I munched on salty smooth edamame (boiled soybeans), ate crisp fresh tako sunumomo (super thin sliced cucumbers in sweet japanese vinegar with sliced octopus). The vegetable tempura at Sushi House is really unbeatable. Huge fresh chunks of sweet potatoes, butternut squash, onion, red peppers and broccoli flash fried and dipped in a savory sauce. When you take a bite of that sweet perfect squash, well, everything is right in the world, just for a moment.

Tuesday was a good night.

That's what we work for, those perfect moments. Do you have them? Moment when nothing could really make you happier? I mean, I usually have one at least everyday, just somedays I have more than others. In fact, just talking about sushi has made me feel better from my earlier tirade. Ashley's best friend is coming over to spend the night tomorrow and she is so excited. I think it will be fun. Interesting at least :) We're going to make macaroni and cheese and cookies. My kitchen will be a disaster.

The dog is dreaming and making funny sounds. I should go to bed too.

Moderation and the Modern Mom

Sent to me by a good friend and oh so true for how I felt after (and before) baby. Glad to know I'm not alone.


By Anna Fricke


I always claimed that I could hold my liquor. I was lying.
But to admit that I was dizzy and inappropriate after a few drinks would belie my German/Irish/English heritage, my Guy’s Girl persona, and my profession as a writer. Despite a few debacles (a sullied car or two, the suggestion that we have sex when, in fact, we already had) I persisted in behavior like downing shots with the 23-year-old at work, or worse, drinking with actors. Such hardy drinking resulted in my husband wisely escorting me out the side exit of many establishments, but I refused to be ashamed. I enjoyed the brief escape of a vodka gimlet.

And then I got pregnant. It was not unexpected. We had planned for it and tried for a few months. As soon as we started trying, I became unexpectedly responsible. I decided to behave as if I were pregnant, just in case I was. Which meant I didn’t lounge in hot tubs, eat sushi or even indulge in a glass of wine. It was surprisingly easy. I was so freaked out by the concept of carrying a human in my womb that I even refused to take a sip during Shabbat dinners, something that mystified my friends and, possibly, God.

I felt maternal, wise and frankly relieved. I had worried for years that the alcoholism that ran in my New England stock had snuck into my veins and it was good to know that I could painlessly, easily, give up alcohol when necessary. And so, for 13 months, I didn’t touch a drop. And then I had a baby.
Babies are magical and beautiful and amazing. They are also exhausting and frustrating and anxiety-inducing. In the beginning, my daughter nursed non-stop and I didn’t even think of having a drink. Not only did I not want to risk alcohol being in my bloodstream when she nursed, I was also just too tired. Wine would only put me to sleep, and sleep was an impossibility. The first time my husband and I went out, I had a glass of wine and I felt like I was shooting up heroin in my parents’ bedroom. It seemed so wrong. When I went home, I pumped my milk and immediately poured it down the sink, an act that seemed almost as wasteful as blithely burning hundred dollar bills.

Eventually, my daughter began sleeping through the night. I cannot speak for all babies, but at the end of a long day with mine … sometimes I want a drink. Not a large one, not a hard one. Just enough of one to ease the tension of the knotted back that comes with carrying a 20 pound baby around. Enough to quiet the voices that question, “Is she eating enough? Am I promoting her self-confidence? Should we listen to more Mozart and less Death Cab For Cutie? Should I be teaching her sign language? Or Italian?” After months of willingly sacrificing my body and everything that went into it for the well-being of my child, I started to revel in taking a little of myself back. At night, after she was soundly asleep, I would cook my husband and myself dinner and pour a luxurious glass of wine. I sautéed, I sipped. It was just like the good old days.

Except that it wasn’t. Because in the good old days, I would have had at least half a bottle by myself and would have started slurring non-sequiturs to my husband in the middle of “Damages.” And as much as I wanted to celebrate my newfound nighttime independence by getting pleasingly sloshed, I discovered that this was an impossibility. Two things led me to this conclusion. One: The one night that I went out and met a few friends, I daringly had two and a half glasses of wine. I made it safely home, but I left my car running in the garage. The next morning I was perplexed as to why it wouldn’t start. Apparently I can hold my liquor even less than before. Two: teething. When my daughter started teething, she also started waking up at all hours of the night and sometimes nursing was the only thing that would soothe her back to sleep. It wasn’t safe to be tipsy. They say that if you’re too drunk to drive, you’re too drunk to nurse. Seems like a pretty good rule to me. And so I limit my intake to a small glass of wine immediately after nursing her and that’s pretty much it.

Is that it? I’m 33. It baffles me to think that I won’t be good and drunk again until I’m 50. Surely the days of embarrassing myself and my loved ones aren’t over. I could have done so much more. Didn’t our parents get drunk? Does our generation read too much, think too much and worry too much? Probably yes. But if I’m really honest with myself, I don’t miss getting drunk. The night I killed my car battery, I woke up with a raging headache and experienced a fairly hellacious morning with my daughter. I would actually prefer to be sober and awake refreshed and happy to see my daughter’s face.

So it’s not the alcohol I miss. It’s the immaturity. The selfishness. The wasted days frittered away recuperating from the wasted nights. It all turned around so quickly. I wasn’t prepared to be this person. A person who can clearly recall all the events of the night before. Who can be the designated driver. Who can go to a work party without apologizing the next day. This must be parenthood. I would toast this milestone, but I have pears to puree.

All my innocence

Am I the only one left in the world who dances around their house in the middle of the night?

I look bloody ridiculous! I am coloring my hair and the gloves really didn't really do the trick tonight! I have black color all over my hands. My face too. This should be interesting. I'm 2/0'ing it tonight! Followed by a renewing pomegranate mask to slough away the color stain. Oh baby, it burns! But in a good way. I should look very fresh and fabulous tomorrow. Oh how I envy those born with naturally dark hair. Speaking of... I got a Red Carpet Facial last week. Amazing! Google it, kids, it's by Kinara and it's amazing. I think I am pretty lucky to work where I work to get the perks. I really want my sis to get this facial. I'll have to see what I can work out.

I have the freaking hiccups again! All stinking day!

It snowed something crazy here on Saturday and I got to run around outside with Ash and the dog for about an hour and have a blast remembering what things were like in Mpls. I can't help it, I think I will always think of Mpls as home.

We have been really debating what to do with Ash for school. Her birthday of September 10th presents a problem. The cut-off date for public school is July 15th. So basically, if the state has their way, she will turn six two weeks into kindergarten. No way, momma don't play that way. This kid is too bright for that. She is bored already and if she starts school that late I can see lots of behavioral issues. So we've been checking into private schools, but even they have placement dates. We found one that we really like, Whitefield Academy. It's small, but very impressive. These kids start learning Latin in fifth grade! Every single child that graduates is in the 90th percentile nationwide. Honestly, I can't think of anything better to spend our money on! So Ash had her placement test there two weeks ago and I've literally had nightmares for a week that she didn't pass. I mean, if she doesn't get in here, we'll check out our second choice, St Thomas Moore, but it's a catholic school and we don't love that. So anyway, I got the call today that we're cleared to move on with the application process! She passed! As long as everything goes well, so can start kindergarten in the fall! I seriously teared up when I was listening to the voice mail. I didn't realize how much it meant to me until then. I was at work and Andi and Lily were staring at me like I was nuts. So know Brian and I have to interview with the headmaster. So Pray about that, because when it comes to traditional, conservative parents, we are less than. I mean, I think we do a great job, but do other people? We'll see :) I will, of course, keep you updated.

So we tried to go see Coraline tonight but that didn't work out so we ended up renting a couple of movies, a polar bear one for Ash and "My Name is Bruce" for us. Bruce Campbell's personal low-budget B movie just released. It totally lives up to everything a Bruce Campbell movie should. I highly recommend you all check out this straight-to-dvd fiasco of wondrous proportions

I think we may wait even longer than April to try to have another baby. I don't know, honestly, we've had a lot of bills come in recently that are pretty overwhelming. Nothing that we can't get under control soon, but still. I guess part of it is the hospital bill from the miscarriage and I think about the hospital bills from an actual birth and maybe we should have more money saved, be more on top of things. We're not bad, at all, but it's a fine line, you know? Part of me really wants a baby, part of me is terrified to get pregnant again. I've always said I don't want a big gap between Ash and the rest of my kids, that I don't want to be old when I have kids, but right now, I'm thinking the maybe waiting a year or two isn't such a bad idea. We are taking precautions right now, but not really great ones. I'll never get on birth control again, that's for sure. So anyway, maybe we'll just see what happens. Sometimes, we just try to plan too much.

I love my new tattoo and I want a hundred more.

Don't you believe?

I don't know. I just have so much going on right now. Work is crazy and all I can think about is Romans 8:31 "If God is for us, who can be against us" And I feel like the brick wall that they're all beating against, but I'm tired of getting beat, but it's not me that they're beating on, it's God, give it to God, He'll take care of me and I remember Isaiah 40:31 "Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength". And I think about my friend, the insomniac, who thinks she is slowly going crazy and I want to tell her Psalm 62:1 "my soul finds rest in God alone" but I don't think she even would know what that means, much less actually go for it, just do it. I feel like I rely on God more and more, which I know is right, what I'm supposed to do, I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes. And I have a hard time voicing how I feel about God. How I believe and that's all you have to do too. How He is such an integral part of my everyday, and if you would just let go, give it to him, you could have peace and joy and comfort too. But how do you do that? How do you teach someone to let go? How do you convince them that it's God, it's not you, that got you here? I can quote verses all day and they uplift me and give me peace and hope and joy, but how do you show that to someone else? I ache so much for this person that is hurting but she is so closed off, she won't listen, she doesn't believe. And it makes me want to cry, because healing is right there for her, she's looking for it, but won't take it. The Lord heals the broken, the wounded, all we have to do is accept it.

And then this other thing that I don't know what to do with. Is it a big deal? Do I blow it off or really push it? I pray that the Lord gives me wisdom cause I really need it right now.

of grace and music

slow smooth vibes
music moving through the air
and I'm trying to catch the drift
but it's more fun to float along without really knowing why
are the lights dimming or is it just me
coffee buzz buzz buzzing
dance with me
it feels like love
it feels like maybe we are losing the war
but battle by battle
I can see the ink flowing
true true it will never fade
true true I don't lie
sometimes this skin just isn't enough
to contain
it's all I can do to stay inside of me
to keep from spilling out everywhere
another incredible mess
epic
proportions
true true I could never be like you
true true I do believe
it's so quiet sometimes
all I can do is stare around this room
every book another story
another world waiting to be opened
posters promising
something
I caught a glimpse of my arm today
and it struck me as very skinny and frail
delicate
it might have been the shirt I was wearing
true true it makes no sense to you
true true it's all about the rise and fall

grace

We need your opinion

Check out this website

http://www.photoreflect.com/pr3/store.aspx?p=38532

Click on the lower left hand where it say Jaeme and Brian Album and check out the first two pictures. They are currently in the running for the cover of our wedding photo album. We cannot decide which one we like better. They are both awesome, but both very different. So, by online poll we will try to make this choice. Feel free to check out the rest of the album as well.

A typical Sunday afternoon at our house

This was last Sunday, after I got home from work. Ashley has recently been allowed to chew gum and was trying to learn how to blow bubbles. She was also practicing 'ballet' and getting attacked by our herding dog who pretty much attacks anything that moves.

How to Tell You Are Backcombing Correctly

1. Your hair is so big people ask if you're wearing extensions
2. People say you look like Amy Winehouse (thanks Steve)
3. Water actually beads off of your hair
4. It takes a good ten minutes to detangle after a shower.
5. Yous hair hair looks so good no notices the rest of the hot mess!

Jitterbug Perfume

If only Priscilla the waitress were here now. I may just go find the perfect taco tonight. I feel like I'm eating everything in sight! It's crazy. Today I went into a frenzy of baking and made my friend not only Chicken Marsala but also homemade macaroni and cheese with big chunks of ham. I made tons and put some in the freezer for us, too. I want to get it out and eat it right now. My kitchen looked like a tornado hit it. So at ten o'clock at night I danced through cleaning it up as Strummer watched.

Amy has a beautiful baby boy. I held him for an hour. And just for a second, my mind wanders into, what if this were my baby? My baby was that was but didn't make it? And I think I'm doing so well, but then I start crying. And then she's crying telling me about a similar experience that she had. And it just happens, I'm doing good and I can tell some people like it was nothing, keep a straight face and move on and then others, for some reason, a word, a touch, a look, and I'm bawling, reliving it all over again. Why do some women get babies and some women get crushed hopes? I have another friend who lost her baby days after birth. I cannot imagine that. To carry to term and deliver, to think, maybe, just maybe, to see that face, that whole little person, and to lose them. And I know that God heals, but grief is a part of our lives sometimes. And the grief I feel over a baby that was barely alive, that existed for four weeks at most, is immense, I cannot imagine people that lose children that they have had for much longer.

So here's the other thing I was thinking about as I hit the curve from I-70 to 291 south. Some girls I know are so sensitive. I feel like maybe I am missing that and I wonder why. I've had girls say things to me about different things that they get so upset about and I don't think I wold have gotten so upset. I think maybe I am just a pretty even-keel person. I tend to be pretty mellow, maybe. Or maybe I've been on my own so much, on and off for ten years, that I'm just used to taking care of myself and dealing with things myself. I don't know really where this is going, it's just a random train of thought. But it ended with, I wonder if Brian would have like me if I had been as emotional dependent as some people are. And that's not a good or a bad thing, either way, just different.

Jay Awesome, my favorite anarchist will be hitching through town next week. It should be good times, especially since he is no longer vegan although I was kind of looking forward to the challenges of vegan cooking. So stay tuned for more on that. I'm going to go find something else to eat.

On the Agenda

Today -
sweep
mop
dishes
cook
vacuum
grocery store
make dinner for my friend that just had a baby
haircut
about 8 loads of laundry

Wow, sometimes it's exhausting running a house. I just finished sweeping and am still in shock about how much hair I swept up! Between the dog and two cats it's ridiculous in here and it's not like carpet where it just kinda soaks in, it just gathers in corners and under things with hardwood floors. I think you can just see it more with hardwood. It just means I have to clean more, but it also means that I'm cleaner. It feels good to get it all done, but its frustrating to spend your whole day off cleaning and running errands. But if I don't do it, it won't get done. And I refuse to live in a disaster like years gone by. So anyway, I'd better get to it.

Dreams that just don't come true

until the sun comes up...
inside - voices
I'm having agave dreams and stemware nightmares
its not enough
if I had a Cadillac
I'd wear a red dress and heels and drive into the sunset
if I could talk to you,
I would try
create a post, poet, prodigy, protagonist
If I had a nice pair of heels
I would give them to you
I would take you dancing
and show them how it's done

Un-freaking-believable

So here's a little back story. At work we just started a new program that books new and non-request clients by performance. So basically, before, they were booked by seniority. I was last on that list. Now they take your retail sales combined with your retention rate and book you in that order. And guess who came out second place in the department for the first month? That's right, little ol me. That meant that I, who have been on the floor for eight months, beat two people who have been on the floor for over five years, each. I mean, that's pretty good! I worked really hard to get there. The only person above me is the department head, who has been there for ten years. So I've very proud if this.

Cut too... I have a little book I keep notes in about clients, mostly new clients so when they come back in, I can remember them, they have this many kids, they do this, they're going on vacation, they just got a divorce, whatever. It helps me refresh my memory when they come back in, until I get to know them well enough to remember. Everyone knows I have this book everyone knows where I keep it. So I get in on Saturday and I notice that my file has been moved and opened. But I think maybe I left my cards sitting out and someone put them in there or something. No big deal. Until today I realize that someone has ripped out an entire months worth of notes! All of November! And that's the group of people that are coming back in right now, my November and early December clients. Pages just gone. I am so mad, and I really feel very betrayed. I mean, who would do that? I feel like I work with adults and this is just so low! I can't really see why anyone would want to sabotage me like that and it's not a huge deal, I will be just fine and I do remember most people, it's more perfunctionary than anything, but it's how I build my business and obviously, my business is doing great!

So anyway, someone at my work sucks big time.

punk rock history

Punk history doesn't need to be 'remembered' (written down for everyone else to read by the experts) for it is present every time a punk band plays, and drawing on long tradition, recaptures that ageless, timeless frenzy that makes punk rock matter in the first place. The facts and the details, the 'how we got here' are irrelevant and could not themselves enable the band to do this. The band must simply recognizes the timeless, crucial element that makes their predecessors music matter and learn from them that it cannot be caught the same way twice. All those punk history book and documentaries become immaterial when the band in front of you is doing it. The passion that you can see in the wild abandon of the best punk bands is an ahistorical force. It can't be explained in the terms of history and tradition - what they are doing is the tradtion of violating tradition, breaking tabboos in order to broaden the world.

That being said, I am once again pulled Craig O'Hara's "The Philosophy of Punk' off the wall and am looking forward to reading it again. I always discover something new.

Bugger the bourgeoisie

A picture is worth a thousand words. I was looking at a picture today that I took this morning of my daughter in her pretty pink princess dress perched ever-so-ladylike on the counter drinking a glass of juice. She stops and gives me a smile for the camera. I notice the background, how you can see my impressive array of cutting boards and Cutco knives. That the light seems to always be shining in pictures of my kitchen. I try to view my photos from another person's perspective.

I went over to a friends house for the first time the other night. It was a beautiful home in one of those newer developments. The ones that are still getting sodded. The couch was so nice. Big and cushy and new. The kitchen was shiny and pretty. All the furniture matched. I looked in the master bedroom and there was this big beautiful bed with the matching dressers and drapes on the windows. New. Shiny. Pretty. What they must think of my home, I wonder. My couch has been through almost as much as I have. In fact, I broke it even more the other day and now one side sits six inches higher than the other. There are stains and holes in it. My end tables are incredibly dull and mundane. My kitchen table is nice, but it came from the return section at JC Pennys and already had those scratches and we only have three chairs and they don't match. Ashley's bedroom furniture came from a friend who was going to throw it away if we didn't want it. Our bed in our room is very, very nice (thanks Brian!) but we have no bed frame or headboard. Our dressers were my ex-husbands grandfathers and they look like it. Squished in between all this, is the dog kennel. The walls are not painted, although I hope to soon requtify this. It's very hodge-podge, a conglomerate mesh of all the things I've managed to acquire in the last en years of so. None of it is new. The office is covered on posters, The Cramps, The Cure, The Misfits, Rancid, Bad Religion, and the Street Dogs. And I just wonder what the nice organized, well-decorated types think of us.

Then I think about my first apartment where I was lucky to have a couch. I decorated my walls with ripped up magazine articles and I never did the dishes. Or swept. And I think about all the people who less than me. Either because of circumstances or by choice. What so they think about all this? Do they think I'm selling out? Or buying in? Or maybe I'm just tired of cramped little apartments and giving my money to someone else.

And some people I know place an incredible value on what you have. And to some I have very very little and to others, I have so so much. I mean, to me, I have the world. But that has nothing to do with this hardwood haven that I wonder through at night.

So...does baking my own bread make me revolutionary or recessionary? Can I be a little bit of both?

Bugger the bourgeoisie, I've got an identity to maintain (change, find, mold, create)

Random

1 - I hate any and all applications. i will not do them I ignore every single one. On facebook and myspace
2 - Except Tom Waits Magic Trunk. That one just makes me laugh
3 - I just watched my dog eat a crayon
4 - I have had so many many jobs, including security at a nightclub, climbing cable poles to work on cable lines and face painting at the local amusement park.
5 - I really like that song by Miranda Lampert "Gunpowder and Lead"
6 - I'm actually a person who eats too comfort myself, I'm just lucky to not have to many sad things happen to me
7 - My dream vacation is either Japan, Italy or Bora Bora
8 - I listen to music constantly
9 - I take pictures obsessively, just waiting to catch that perfect one
10 - People tend to think that I am very artistic but in truth I'm a huge fraud. I can copy what others have done very well, but seldom am I an orginal
11 - I wash my hair twice a week, at best
12 - I am madly, madly in love with my husband
13 - I'm supposed to be organizing my office right now and paying bills
14 - I am tone deaf. Really.
15 - I have seriously considered being a surrogate mother
16 - I'm actually quite intelligent, I just never did anything with it, other than blog. I'm still waiting for that to take off.
17 - I am often gripped by an incredible urge to just keep driving. If Ash and I disappear one day you will know this is what happened
18 - I have a very high pain tolerance
19 - I am often surprised that my life turned out this way
20 - I own several hundred books
21 - I think the black cat is not coming back anymore. I haven't seen him since Thursday night
22 - I hate Joan Crawford. Those eyebrows!
23 - I read the bible everyday
24 - I hate my middle name
25 - People tell me that I have good stories
26 - I refuse to tag people in this note, cause I'm lazy
27 - I love to dance
28 - I think you should only wear high heels if you mean it.
29 - I mean it

Soundtrack to 2008

This is something that I do every year on myspace - the previous blogs mentioned can be found on my myspace blog http://blogs.myspace.com/devi_roze



So, here it is, that time again. This is my fourth annual year sharing my soundtrack. If you'd like to look at previous years they are blogged here:

Soundtrack to 2007 - blogged on Jan 9, 2008
Soundtrack to 2006 - blogged on Jan 21 2007
Soundtrack to 2005 - blogged on Feb 21, 2006 (also happens to be my very first blog ever - this current blog also happens to be my 400th blog post)

1. This Could Be Love - Alkaline Trio - I've got a book of matches, I've got a can of kerosene, I've got some bad ideas involving you and me I don't know why, but I feel like this song is a more intense version of Brian and I's relationship.

2. Re-Education (Through Labor) - Rise Against - I won't crawl on my knees for you, I won't believe the lies that hide the truth, I won't sweat one more drop for you, 'Cause we are the rust upon your gears, We are the insect in your ears Every time I hear this song I remember how the pit exploded when the chorus hit. It was one of my favorite shows. Some feelings you can't explain, you just cherish

3. The Western Wall - Pennywise - A great song about modern society. I just love it

4. Johnny and June - Heidi Newfield - A great ode to one of the greatest love stories of modern time. I kinda wanted it to be our first dance song. Kinda. Not enough to beat out the next song...

5. Mondo Bongo - Joe Strummer - Our first song we every danced to as husband and wife. Sniff. Just kidding, but an incredible song, nonetheless. It makes you thing of sulty nights, stars on a beach, quiet whispers, twirling dresses, lush backgrounds. Hey, if it worked for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Mr and Mrs Smith, who are we to argue?

6. Not Enough - Black President - A band who chose thier name long before Obama started thinking about presidency and not fully supportive of Obama, but you'd have to talk to them about that. If they can't own you they'll just have to throw you away...Hey, hey, give it away, they'll tax you soul but I won't pay

7. Silver and Gold - Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros - I'm gonna go out dancing every night, I'm gonna see all the city lights, I'll do everything, silver and gold, I've got to hurry up before I grow too old Please play this song at my funeral

8. Stop! - Against Me - I freaking love this band. They have this punk/eighties anthem-rock thing going for them and it just makes me smile. They don't sound like anyone else out there

9. Swing Life Away - Rise Against - This song has made my list every year but the first one. This song is my ultimate love song. We played it during our wedding, when we lit the unity candles. It is one of my top songs of all time. We live on front porches and swing life away, We get by just fine here on minimum wage If love is a labor I'll slave till the end, I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

10. The 59 Sound - The Gaslight Anthem - one of my favorite new bands this year. Check them out, they're gonna be big.

11. You're Gonna Go Far Kid - The Offspring - one the most under-rated punk bands of the last 15 years (see thier self-titled 1989 album for one of the greatest punk albums ever) hits again with an great catchy new tune

12. Lets Have A Patry - Wanda Jackson - Some people like to rock, some people like to roll, but movin' and a groovin' is gonna satisfy my soul When Wanda first recorded this song in 1958 she had no idea that 51 years later she would be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (this April 4th). The original Queen of Rock and Roll probably had no idea that she would end up on my list list either.

13. When The Angels Sing - Social Distortion - I've been rediscovering the first Social D song I ever fell in love with, and still my very favorite

14. That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings - pure fun, brit pop rock. Ashley loves this song, too. Turn it up loud and dance.

15. The New Dark Ages - Bad Religion - A pall on truth and reason,
It feels like hunting season So avoid those lines of sight and we'll set this right Another great take on observation on modern society

16. Troublemaker - Weezer - The ONLY song from Weezer that I've felt was worth the time of day off thier last two album. And it really makes no sense, but I like it anyway.

Does this list get longer every year?

Music has been, continues to, and always will be such a huge part of my life. Music touches me in a way that very few things can. Brian and I share the same thought on music and it has been such a huge part of our relationship from the beginning. He gets it. I think some of you get it too. I can look back on the lowest time in my life and that was a time when music wasn't a focal point. I mean, there were other things missing too, but that was huge. When I rediscovered music, I rediscovered who I was. That may sound ridiculous to you, but I have few passions, but my passions are strong. God, my family, my friends and music.

My dog is so bored right now, he is driving me nuts.

I think I need a hat

I really do. I've come to the conclusion that this is the right time for me to start wearing hats. I will start tomorrow, if i can get one tomorrow.

I just realized I left my eyebrow color on a bit too long and now I'm looking very Grouch Marx-y. Nothing sexy about color stains.

Bad things come in threes. Last week :

1. Our bank account starts overdrafting. And you know how that is, one leads to another and another and another and before you know it, you have $312 in overdraft fees.

2. Miscarriage - devastaing

3. On Friday night someone (I'm not naming names here, but there's only two people who drive my car) drove my car into a median "I don't know why everyone' driving so slow, it's not that bad out here" CRASH. A broken ball joint, a busted control arm and $700 later...

Not a great week. But to be fair, the overdraft thing truly was the banks mistake and they refunded all our money and gave us a little extra for the trouble. Which was awesome. And we do have a savings fund to cover things like car problems, it just really sucks to write out that check.

But today's a new day and I feel good. Life goes on, day by day. We'll rebuild the saving fund. We will never forget our baby that never made it here, but will focus on the one that we have the the ones that we will have.

I was hanging out with some good friends tonight (even though I had to drive all the way to Grain Valley to see them) and was just struck by how amazing everyone has been through all this. I've gotten cards, e-mails, phone calls. People are quiet in their support and even when they don't know what to say, just the knowledge that they even care and are there for me is such a comfort. My friends truly are amazing, here and far away.

Tonight I had my hair all down in preparation to color it and could feel it swinging on my back, a new feeling for me, as my hair hasn't been this long since high school. Then that song I really like by Vincent Black Shadow came up in itunes and I find myself dancing around the kitchen to the deep twang of a stand up bass and the swing voice of the lead singer. The dog is dancing with me and it's snowing outside and I feel kinda like a hippie with all this long hair, but I like it.

We have decided to become a foster home for rescued dogs. Specifically border collies, and border collie mixes. When a dog is rescued from a bad situation, usually abuse or neglect, we will take them and rehabilitate them until they can find a forever home. We're really excited to see how it goes and to help dogs who really need it.

Rancid and Rise Against are touring together this spring. And now I won't have to stand in the back.

How do you say goodbye?

I was sitting on my couch watching a movie last night, like I am so many, many nights. Except last night was very, very different. But Brian was with me and the lights were out and we were under a blanket and I could see the reflection of the hardwood floors as the television flickered on it. The dog was cuddled up next to us, the cat slinked around the corner and the hallway light was on so Ash wouldn't wake up and get scared in the dark. And I thought, this is my home, this is my world, my little bubble, my bright spot in my life. No one can enter unless I let them, no thoughts can seep in, unless I let them. This is where I can be whole, where I can recuperate, revive, renew. This is what matters in my life. All the great endeavors I work towards outside of here, this is what it comes down too. And I know that I can make any place into a home. That is my gift, home-making. It doesn't matter where we end up, it will be home, and as long as I have a home, I will be okay.

I sat in the hospital yesterday and cried. Cried for not knowing, then cried for fear of what it might be, then cried because I knew what it was. Cried for what could have been, what had been. It doesn't matter if you've been pregnant for 2 days or for 9 months, as a woman, we already have them named and through college. Brian held my hand and gave me tissues. We wondered if it had been a boy or a girl. If it had had that precious first heartbeat yet. Do you name a baby that was barely there?

How things can change so quickly. We'd hardly even known we were pregnant. But I knew, I knew. I told Brian three weeks ago that I was, I even took a test that came back negative, but I just knew. So I took one a week later and it confirmed it. So when things started Monday night it was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me. And I'm thinking, maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm not pregnant and maybe this is just my cycle starting and I'm counting dates in my head over and over and trying to make them line up and they just aren't and why would the test have come pack positive if I wasn't but then I didn't want to think about what it meant if I was truly pregnant and it was what I thought it might be. But some women spot all through their pregnancy, maybe it's nothing, maybe I'm just over-reacting. And I couldn't sleep and I couldn't sleep and I couldn't sleep and I got up at five a.m. and took another pregnancy test and it was positive and this is what I think it is. Maybe.

I was in the car when Tiffany convinced me to go the hospital and I break down and Ash want to know whats wrong and why is mommy crying and I'm devastated because this is real, this is my story, not someone elses. And by making the descion to go to the hospital, I'm admitting that it's really happening. So my wonderful, supportive, amazing husband meets me there and sits through the tests and the iv and the questions and trys not to look at my face so that he doesn't break down and can be strong for me. And later we lay in bed holding each other and trying to start to say goodbye, not really knowing how too.

We did run into a divine appointment at the hospital yesterday that cheered me up a bit, but I'll talk about that some other time. I turned my phone on silent yesterday and I received so many voice mails and texts and I want you to know I'm not ignoring you, I just can't really talk about it right now. Writing is very cathartic for me, it makes me feel better to just let things out here. But I can't talk about it. Technology is amazing, it's an almost nonchalant thing to respond to a text or IM with the news, but I can't hardly say the words, out loud. Not yet.

I know God is here in this, because He is here always. That's what makes this almost okay.

I'm supposed to stay in bed until it's all over and that's good cause all I feel like doing is sleeping