Soundtrack to 2008

This is something that I do every year on myspace - the previous blogs mentioned can be found on my myspace blog http://blogs.myspace.com/devi_roze



So, here it is, that time again. This is my fourth annual year sharing my soundtrack. If you'd like to look at previous years they are blogged here:

Soundtrack to 2007 - blogged on Jan 9, 2008
Soundtrack to 2006 - blogged on Jan 21 2007
Soundtrack to 2005 - blogged on Feb 21, 2006 (also happens to be my very first blog ever - this current blog also happens to be my 400th blog post)

1. This Could Be Love - Alkaline Trio - I've got a book of matches, I've got a can of kerosene, I've got some bad ideas involving you and me I don't know why, but I feel like this song is a more intense version of Brian and I's relationship.

2. Re-Education (Through Labor) - Rise Against - I won't crawl on my knees for you, I won't believe the lies that hide the truth, I won't sweat one more drop for you, 'Cause we are the rust upon your gears, We are the insect in your ears Every time I hear this song I remember how the pit exploded when the chorus hit. It was one of my favorite shows. Some feelings you can't explain, you just cherish

3. The Western Wall - Pennywise - A great song about modern society. I just love it

4. Johnny and June - Heidi Newfield - A great ode to one of the greatest love stories of modern time. I kinda wanted it to be our first dance song. Kinda. Not enough to beat out the next song...

5. Mondo Bongo - Joe Strummer - Our first song we every danced to as husband and wife. Sniff. Just kidding, but an incredible song, nonetheless. It makes you thing of sulty nights, stars on a beach, quiet whispers, twirling dresses, lush backgrounds. Hey, if it worked for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Mr and Mrs Smith, who are we to argue?

6. Not Enough - Black President - A band who chose thier name long before Obama started thinking about presidency and not fully supportive of Obama, but you'd have to talk to them about that. If they can't own you they'll just have to throw you away...Hey, hey, give it away, they'll tax you soul but I won't pay

7. Silver and Gold - Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros - I'm gonna go out dancing every night, I'm gonna see all the city lights, I'll do everything, silver and gold, I've got to hurry up before I grow too old Please play this song at my funeral

8. Stop! - Against Me - I freaking love this band. They have this punk/eighties anthem-rock thing going for them and it just makes me smile. They don't sound like anyone else out there

9. Swing Life Away - Rise Against - This song has made my list every year but the first one. This song is my ultimate love song. We played it during our wedding, when we lit the unity candles. It is one of my top songs of all time. We live on front porches and swing life away, We get by just fine here on minimum wage If love is a labor I'll slave till the end, I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

10. The 59 Sound - The Gaslight Anthem - one of my favorite new bands this year. Check them out, they're gonna be big.

11. You're Gonna Go Far Kid - The Offspring - one the most under-rated punk bands of the last 15 years (see thier self-titled 1989 album for one of the greatest punk albums ever) hits again with an great catchy new tune

12. Lets Have A Patry - Wanda Jackson - Some people like to rock, some people like to roll, but movin' and a groovin' is gonna satisfy my soul When Wanda first recorded this song in 1958 she had no idea that 51 years later she would be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (this April 4th). The original Queen of Rock and Roll probably had no idea that she would end up on my list list either.

13. When The Angels Sing - Social Distortion - I've been rediscovering the first Social D song I ever fell in love with, and still my very favorite

14. That's Not My Name - The Ting Tings - pure fun, brit pop rock. Ashley loves this song, too. Turn it up loud and dance.

15. The New Dark Ages - Bad Religion - A pall on truth and reason,
It feels like hunting season So avoid those lines of sight and we'll set this right Another great take on observation on modern society

16. Troublemaker - Weezer - The ONLY song from Weezer that I've felt was worth the time of day off thier last two album. And it really makes no sense, but I like it anyway.

Does this list get longer every year?

Music has been, continues to, and always will be such a huge part of my life. Music touches me in a way that very few things can. Brian and I share the same thought on music and it has been such a huge part of our relationship from the beginning. He gets it. I think some of you get it too. I can look back on the lowest time in my life and that was a time when music wasn't a focal point. I mean, there were other things missing too, but that was huge. When I rediscovered music, I rediscovered who I was. That may sound ridiculous to you, but I have few passions, but my passions are strong. God, my family, my friends and music.

My dog is so bored right now, he is driving me nuts.

I think I need a hat

I really do. I've come to the conclusion that this is the right time for me to start wearing hats. I will start tomorrow, if i can get one tomorrow.

I just realized I left my eyebrow color on a bit too long and now I'm looking very Grouch Marx-y. Nothing sexy about color stains.

Bad things come in threes. Last week :

1. Our bank account starts overdrafting. And you know how that is, one leads to another and another and another and before you know it, you have $312 in overdraft fees.

2. Miscarriage - devastaing

3. On Friday night someone (I'm not naming names here, but there's only two people who drive my car) drove my car into a median "I don't know why everyone' driving so slow, it's not that bad out here" CRASH. A broken ball joint, a busted control arm and $700 later...

Not a great week. But to be fair, the overdraft thing truly was the banks mistake and they refunded all our money and gave us a little extra for the trouble. Which was awesome. And we do have a savings fund to cover things like car problems, it just really sucks to write out that check.

But today's a new day and I feel good. Life goes on, day by day. We'll rebuild the saving fund. We will never forget our baby that never made it here, but will focus on the one that we have the the ones that we will have.

I was hanging out with some good friends tonight (even though I had to drive all the way to Grain Valley to see them) and was just struck by how amazing everyone has been through all this. I've gotten cards, e-mails, phone calls. People are quiet in their support and even when they don't know what to say, just the knowledge that they even care and are there for me is such a comfort. My friends truly are amazing, here and far away.

Tonight I had my hair all down in preparation to color it and could feel it swinging on my back, a new feeling for me, as my hair hasn't been this long since high school. Then that song I really like by Vincent Black Shadow came up in itunes and I find myself dancing around the kitchen to the deep twang of a stand up bass and the swing voice of the lead singer. The dog is dancing with me and it's snowing outside and I feel kinda like a hippie with all this long hair, but I like it.

We have decided to become a foster home for rescued dogs. Specifically border collies, and border collie mixes. When a dog is rescued from a bad situation, usually abuse or neglect, we will take them and rehabilitate them until they can find a forever home. We're really excited to see how it goes and to help dogs who really need it.

Rancid and Rise Against are touring together this spring. And now I won't have to stand in the back.

How do you say goodbye?

I was sitting on my couch watching a movie last night, like I am so many, many nights. Except last night was very, very different. But Brian was with me and the lights were out and we were under a blanket and I could see the reflection of the hardwood floors as the television flickered on it. The dog was cuddled up next to us, the cat slinked around the corner and the hallway light was on so Ash wouldn't wake up and get scared in the dark. And I thought, this is my home, this is my world, my little bubble, my bright spot in my life. No one can enter unless I let them, no thoughts can seep in, unless I let them. This is where I can be whole, where I can recuperate, revive, renew. This is what matters in my life. All the great endeavors I work towards outside of here, this is what it comes down too. And I know that I can make any place into a home. That is my gift, home-making. It doesn't matter where we end up, it will be home, and as long as I have a home, I will be okay.

I sat in the hospital yesterday and cried. Cried for not knowing, then cried for fear of what it might be, then cried because I knew what it was. Cried for what could have been, what had been. It doesn't matter if you've been pregnant for 2 days or for 9 months, as a woman, we already have them named and through college. Brian held my hand and gave me tissues. We wondered if it had been a boy or a girl. If it had had that precious first heartbeat yet. Do you name a baby that was barely there?

How things can change so quickly. We'd hardly even known we were pregnant. But I knew, I knew. I told Brian three weeks ago that I was, I even took a test that came back negative, but I just knew. So I took one a week later and it confirmed it. So when things started Monday night it was one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me. And I'm thinking, maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm not pregnant and maybe this is just my cycle starting and I'm counting dates in my head over and over and trying to make them line up and they just aren't and why would the test have come pack positive if I wasn't but then I didn't want to think about what it meant if I was truly pregnant and it was what I thought it might be. But some women spot all through their pregnancy, maybe it's nothing, maybe I'm just over-reacting. And I couldn't sleep and I couldn't sleep and I couldn't sleep and I got up at five a.m. and took another pregnancy test and it was positive and this is what I think it is. Maybe.

I was in the car when Tiffany convinced me to go the hospital and I break down and Ash want to know whats wrong and why is mommy crying and I'm devastated because this is real, this is my story, not someone elses. And by making the descion to go to the hospital, I'm admitting that it's really happening. So my wonderful, supportive, amazing husband meets me there and sits through the tests and the iv and the questions and trys not to look at my face so that he doesn't break down and can be strong for me. And later we lay in bed holding each other and trying to start to say goodbye, not really knowing how too.

We did run into a divine appointment at the hospital yesterday that cheered me up a bit, but I'll talk about that some other time. I turned my phone on silent yesterday and I received so many voice mails and texts and I want you to know I'm not ignoring you, I just can't really talk about it right now. Writing is very cathartic for me, it makes me feel better to just let things out here. But I can't talk about it. Technology is amazing, it's an almost nonchalant thing to respond to a text or IM with the news, but I can't hardly say the words, out loud. Not yet.

I know God is here in this, because He is here always. That's what makes this almost okay.

I'm supposed to stay in bed until it's all over and that's good cause all I feel like doing is sleeping