This could be a movie sequence, I think

So I am in my bathroom this morning minding my own business combing Ash's hair when the dogs start barking up a storm so I go look out the window and it Linda, who I'd fogotten was coming over for a haircut so I go down to let her in and notice that there is a small river flowing from my washing machine across my basement floor (thank God into the drain). So I let her in and we run into look at it and the washing machine is overflowing, water is just pouring out of it and we unplug everything and that doesn't stop it so we turn the water valve off and that doesn't work (old valves that won't turn off all the way) so we try to turn the water off to the house in the meantime I'm yelling for Brian to wake up (who is exhausted from his four hour color session on his tattoo yesterday then had to go straight to work). I tell him that the washer is overflowing and he jumps out of bed and I tell him to put pants on because Linda's here and he runs downstairs and tell me to find a wrench so as I'm digging through he tool box a putty knife slices my finger open, I mean deep! So he's finally getting the valve to turn off and it breaks off! Which is funny cause when we moved in his mom told us that the valves were old and corroded and they needed replaced but my dad said no they were fine. So I told Brian not to tell his mom about this! So we got the water shut off to the whole house know, the valve to the washing machine is broken, and we need a new washing machine.

Brian goes back to bed, I cut Linda's hair and the dogs go back outside and hump each other (since they're both fixed I guess it's okay right?)

And it's not even noon yet.

Life in my little world

Here are pictures of our new foster dog, Kiera. She's super sweet and will make a wonderful family dog for someone. Also videos of Ashley hosting her first sleepover with her best friend Ashtyn.

Summer Tour Madness

So, new concert announcement, The Offspring will be here May 22 for Buzz Under the Stars with Alkaline Trio, The Used, Taking Back Sunday and Anberlin, which is awesome right? But then I check out The Offspring's official tour announcement and they are touring with several opening bands and the one that is supposed to be with them through May is the Street Dogs, which we all know happens to be one of my favorite bands, but they are not on the Buzz line-up. What the crap is that? Everyone else gets the Street Dogs and we get to a crappy whiny band like The Used? My luck just sucks!

In other news:

Brian gets more tattoo work done tomorrow (finally getting some more color on his side)

I hate hate hate Ed Hardy!

My new Lux De Ville purse shall arrive any day.

We got our first foster dog last week. She came to us as Coconut which we thought was perhaps the dumbest name for a dog ever so we renamed her Kiera. She was definitely neglected. She is a seven month old border collie mix. When she came last week she was not potty trained, had no idea how to play, with us or our other dog, she was a little skinny and attacked our dog whenever he came near her. Now she has gained five pounds, learned how to play fetch with a ball, and is potty trained. She follows Strummer where ever he goes, they play together in the back yard and she sleeps in Ash's room when Ash goes to bed. She is a completely different dog! it's so neat to see what a good stable family can do for a dog. She will make some family very happy, we think.

I went to the dentist last week and need a root canal and a crown. That's what you get for not going to the dentist for nine years. Rotten teeth. At least Ash's looked good. She didn't inherit good teeth from me, that's for sure. Tomorrow is her first eye exam.

Ash is going to Mpls next week and I am painting my house. And having happy hour with Tony. And sleeping, sleeping, sleeping in. Sleeping in.

Epic Love Story

I love love stories. Maybe cause I'm in one. I get all happy when people make it. When two people can just get over themselves and be happy together. My lover is a great guy who can deal with me and I am eternally lucky that I found one. He tells me every day that he loves me and haw lucky he feels to be with me, but I think I'm the lucky one.

Enough of that!

I am in my office right now and I am think this is my favorite room in the house. Except maybe the kitchen. Let me tell you what I love about this room. It is a disaster! There are stacks of cd's and books everywhere. There are several spots where stacks have tipped over and made a giant mess. There are stacks of photo albums, boxes overflowing with random things like pirate flags and leftover wedding invitations. There are posters all over the wall, like The Cramps, Johnny Cash and The Cure. Also the infamous shot of Robert Deniro in Taxi with the mohawk and the guns. You can see his smiling face through the window from the street and I do wonder what our neighbors say about us. This room is full of old friends. Music and books, my old journals. A ten pound barbell. Stacks of photos. A chess set. Candles. Tape. Belt buckles. Pens and hair clips and bobby pins and childrens books. This room is a mess and I love it.

I also love my cookbooks. Some times I just read through them and look for new ideas. I have a new one, The Complete Guide to Baking. I want to make a cheesecake. This book will show me how.

Excerpt from my journal -

My house
6-2-01
I hung beads in the doorway and cried in the middle of the afternoon today. I am in my own house. I am finally home. I am living my dream! I am so happy, God has blessed me to the most I ever imagined. Life is good, amazing wonderful. I am really on my own. I made it.

06-11-01
Band Practice
if my life had a soundtrack,
it would be you
with a sparkling laugh
ans smooth low tones
wide awake with wonderment
or softly questioning the night
with your life pulsing out of your skin
you are my ever-changing melody, alternately exciting me and calming me
You make so many sharp edges but I can see your delicateness peeking out from your boots
So many notes crashing together
you clash so well
You are my one-man band
singing directly to me without knowing it
You are my favorite song
making me turn up the volume and laugh and cry and smile and the emotions well up as your bass shakes my soul and your lyrics touch me deep inside and my blood pumps through me in time to your rhythm
You fit each moment perfectly like you were written just for me
When you're not here, I feel your absence underlying every action
Every now and then I see a flash of something new
and you surprise me again
You turn to smile at me and my heart jumps
You see me in the dark
When I don't know what to say
And even if I don't know the words
I can always dance
and I'm never quite alone
when you're singing to me
If my life had a soundtrack
It would be you.

8-15-01
Matt, Shorty, Beth, Perfect Robb, Kyja and Ryan all came over tonight and we all got smashed and played Monopoly and climbed on the roof of my apartment building and i am reminded of how lucky i am and how amazing my friends are.

2-23-02
Beth kissed me! Shorty broke up with Jim.

4-5-04
I can feel a storm coming over the city
The air feels cooler, cleaner
I can feel you growing inside of me and I am so scared
I feel like mother earth
a life producing goddess
more beautiful than I have ever been

6-27-04
I feel so gross and ugly. i'm getting fat end everyday my body gets more and more uncomfortable

11-9-04
Ashley Roze, light of my life, you were born on September 10th at 3:13 pm. I spent 20 hours in labor with you. i remember my mother was in town and my dad had just gotten into town too, Angela was coming over for dinner and so did Kyja. I had made a huge spaghetti dinner and Kyja told me that she was moving to Portland in six days. I think that may have had something to do with my water breaking. regardless, it did and 20 hours later you showed up, screaming and bloody, into my world. As soon as they gave you to me, you cuddled into my chest and stopped crying, you were just so tired. You knew you were home.

8-10-05
Divorce
Never felt like this before
no so much anyway
everything else fades
away at the end of the day
all I can think
red towards you
not good enough
not punk enough
not fun enough
Did you have to lie to me?
Did you think I wouldn't find out?
my love
tossed aside
out the window
like a dead butt
So I end up back here
safe even from you
Is she like
I used to be?
does she have any kids?
does she have short hair?
bet she thinks you're sweet.
You can never undo this
i've been disassembled
rearranged
my life is just beginning
you just threw yours away

10-24-05
I shared pudding with my beautiful, amazing, delightful daughter this evening. Her smile makes it all worthwhile.

1-16-06
If you had any clue, would you have still left? the joy that your child brings me permeates every minute of every day. She is sweet and funny and smart and loving. I cannot imagine life without her. She's a better version of me. I wish you knew, but you're probably better off not knowing, Someday a man will come along and want your job. He'll see this amazing girl and take her in his arms and love her almost as much as I do.

2-4-06
Do you really want to live forever?
Do you hear the night?
calling out to me
The voices of the past
the future
someday you'll come
You'll grab me by the hair and tell me that you cannot live without me
You cannot control me
But I cannot resist you
A culture of darkness calls to me
my colors so bright and garish
at least know they notice me
you told me
I'm all your broken dreams
You know where to find me
you know how to stay
forever young

(no date)
who is that girl
wearing my dress?
too skinny
too much make-up
too much hair
I'm standing here
with a shaved head
smoking cigarettes
defiant to the end
confused
wondering what happened

(no date)
Don't just turn head...Break Necks

There is a storm coming
I can feel it in the air
electric
I get so excited
in the dark
the flashing light
when I don't know what to say
thunder rumbles
you look at me
it grips me so, I cannot break free

let's bring it all into the light
see what needles through
left to wonder why
did you love me better in black or white?
don't you remember me from years before?
I wore white for yo
lipstick stains on my dress
I retreat

did you know this song bores me?
your tattoos belay your true thoughts
they draw me to you
the living color on your skin
I have dreams of
smoke and saxophones
but I wake up alone

can you read between the lines?
the lipstick stains on my mirrors
distort in this light
fake nails make me feel fake
who is the girl beneath all of this?
my masks keep you at bay
my scars and cracks and blisters
just distract you
you've seen this before
badass black
rock 'n roll red
porcelain poseur
lips locked
I don't care what you say
I'm inviting you
you can have me
lipstick stains and all

And you know what? He took me, lipstick stains and all. That was my last entry in the journal I've kept for twelve years. About that time I started blogging regularly and I guess the compute became my journal. Wow! I didn't really plan on sharing all that, but hey, sharing is what I do! Love it or leave it, I don't care. Sorry about the typos'

On Babies and Concerts

o


o
These are pictures from the Rise Against concert last October. It was one of the funnest times in recent memory. Well, date night a few weeks ago was a gas too. But anyway, Rancid and Rise Against are two of my favorite bands and they will be here together in June and i already bought our tickets but I was kind of worried because I might be pregnant again by then and I didn't want to get bounced around too much, but I was talking to one of my clients about it (who happens to be and OB) and she told me that no way could I do anything in a mosh pit to hurt the baby if I'm only a few months along. Yah! She was pretty certain about it. She told me that for the first three months the baby is so little and so protected that I would be fine. That's not to say I won't be taking it a bit easy, but at least I can hop in for a bit.

Let's take the night off...

...from mental stress

Let's celebrate that we don't give a...

Oh man, turn it up! Sick of it All is the name of the band and the music is really speaking to me tonight. It occurs to me that I am incredible patient and stoic, but I do get tired. Tired of constantly being beat on. If I moved somewhere else would it be like this? One thing I've really noticed about this city it it's penchant for drama. And I hate drama. I feel like I really need a change in my life right now. I've got a few ideas to start working on, I just need to get going and do them. I want to get my shoulders tattooed. I want to tell all the liars that I know. I want to make my husband happy. I want to get dressed up and go out dancing. I want to wear high heels and pearls and sip champagne and laugh the night away. I want you to realize that I really don't care and leave me alone. I want to get lost in this little world where we make spaghetti carbonara for dinner and stack scotcheroos in the kitchen.

Ash and I went to dinner the other night and it occurred to me that sushi is really the worlds most perfect food. I enjoyed wonderful (if a bit juvenile) conversation with Ash as I munched on salty smooth edamame (boiled soybeans), ate crisp fresh tako sunumomo (super thin sliced cucumbers in sweet japanese vinegar with sliced octopus). The vegetable tempura at Sushi House is really unbeatable. Huge fresh chunks of sweet potatoes, butternut squash, onion, red peppers and broccoli flash fried and dipped in a savory sauce. When you take a bite of that sweet perfect squash, well, everything is right in the world, just for a moment.

Tuesday was a good night.

That's what we work for, those perfect moments. Do you have them? Moment when nothing could really make you happier? I mean, I usually have one at least everyday, just somedays I have more than others. In fact, just talking about sushi has made me feel better from my earlier tirade. Ashley's best friend is coming over to spend the night tomorrow and she is so excited. I think it will be fun. Interesting at least :) We're going to make macaroni and cheese and cookies. My kitchen will be a disaster.

The dog is dreaming and making funny sounds. I should go to bed too.

Moderation and the Modern Mom

Sent to me by a good friend and oh so true for how I felt after (and before) baby. Glad to know I'm not alone.


By Anna Fricke


I always claimed that I could hold my liquor. I was lying.
But to admit that I was dizzy and inappropriate after a few drinks would belie my German/Irish/English heritage, my Guy’s Girl persona, and my profession as a writer. Despite a few debacles (a sullied car or two, the suggestion that we have sex when, in fact, we already had) I persisted in behavior like downing shots with the 23-year-old at work, or worse, drinking with actors. Such hardy drinking resulted in my husband wisely escorting me out the side exit of many establishments, but I refused to be ashamed. I enjoyed the brief escape of a vodka gimlet.

And then I got pregnant. It was not unexpected. We had planned for it and tried for a few months. As soon as we started trying, I became unexpectedly responsible. I decided to behave as if I were pregnant, just in case I was. Which meant I didn’t lounge in hot tubs, eat sushi or even indulge in a glass of wine. It was surprisingly easy. I was so freaked out by the concept of carrying a human in my womb that I even refused to take a sip during Shabbat dinners, something that mystified my friends and, possibly, God.

I felt maternal, wise and frankly relieved. I had worried for years that the alcoholism that ran in my New England stock had snuck into my veins and it was good to know that I could painlessly, easily, give up alcohol when necessary. And so, for 13 months, I didn’t touch a drop. And then I had a baby.
Babies are magical and beautiful and amazing. They are also exhausting and frustrating and anxiety-inducing. In the beginning, my daughter nursed non-stop and I didn’t even think of having a drink. Not only did I not want to risk alcohol being in my bloodstream when she nursed, I was also just too tired. Wine would only put me to sleep, and sleep was an impossibility. The first time my husband and I went out, I had a glass of wine and I felt like I was shooting up heroin in my parents’ bedroom. It seemed so wrong. When I went home, I pumped my milk and immediately poured it down the sink, an act that seemed almost as wasteful as blithely burning hundred dollar bills.

Eventually, my daughter began sleeping through the night. I cannot speak for all babies, but at the end of a long day with mine … sometimes I want a drink. Not a large one, not a hard one. Just enough of one to ease the tension of the knotted back that comes with carrying a 20 pound baby around. Enough to quiet the voices that question, “Is she eating enough? Am I promoting her self-confidence? Should we listen to more Mozart and less Death Cab For Cutie? Should I be teaching her sign language? Or Italian?” After months of willingly sacrificing my body and everything that went into it for the well-being of my child, I started to revel in taking a little of myself back. At night, after she was soundly asleep, I would cook my husband and myself dinner and pour a luxurious glass of wine. I sautéed, I sipped. It was just like the good old days.

Except that it wasn’t. Because in the good old days, I would have had at least half a bottle by myself and would have started slurring non-sequiturs to my husband in the middle of “Damages.” And as much as I wanted to celebrate my newfound nighttime independence by getting pleasingly sloshed, I discovered that this was an impossibility. Two things led me to this conclusion. One: The one night that I went out and met a few friends, I daringly had two and a half glasses of wine. I made it safely home, but I left my car running in the garage. The next morning I was perplexed as to why it wouldn’t start. Apparently I can hold my liquor even less than before. Two: teething. When my daughter started teething, she also started waking up at all hours of the night and sometimes nursing was the only thing that would soothe her back to sleep. It wasn’t safe to be tipsy. They say that if you’re too drunk to drive, you’re too drunk to nurse. Seems like a pretty good rule to me. And so I limit my intake to a small glass of wine immediately after nursing her and that’s pretty much it.

Is that it? I’m 33. It baffles me to think that I won’t be good and drunk again until I’m 50. Surely the days of embarrassing myself and my loved ones aren’t over. I could have done so much more. Didn’t our parents get drunk? Does our generation read too much, think too much and worry too much? Probably yes. But if I’m really honest with myself, I don’t miss getting drunk. The night I killed my car battery, I woke up with a raging headache and experienced a fairly hellacious morning with my daughter. I would actually prefer to be sober and awake refreshed and happy to see my daughter’s face.

So it’s not the alcohol I miss. It’s the immaturity. The selfishness. The wasted days frittered away recuperating from the wasted nights. It all turned around so quickly. I wasn’t prepared to be this person. A person who can clearly recall all the events of the night before. Who can be the designated driver. Who can go to a work party without apologizing the next day. This must be parenthood. I would toast this milestone, but I have pears to puree.

All my innocence

Am I the only one left in the world who dances around their house in the middle of the night?

I look bloody ridiculous! I am coloring my hair and the gloves really didn't really do the trick tonight! I have black color all over my hands. My face too. This should be interesting. I'm 2/0'ing it tonight! Followed by a renewing pomegranate mask to slough away the color stain. Oh baby, it burns! But in a good way. I should look very fresh and fabulous tomorrow. Oh how I envy those born with naturally dark hair. Speaking of... I got a Red Carpet Facial last week. Amazing! Google it, kids, it's by Kinara and it's amazing. I think I am pretty lucky to work where I work to get the perks. I really want my sis to get this facial. I'll have to see what I can work out.

I have the freaking hiccups again! All stinking day!

It snowed something crazy here on Saturday and I got to run around outside with Ash and the dog for about an hour and have a blast remembering what things were like in Mpls. I can't help it, I think I will always think of Mpls as home.

We have been really debating what to do with Ash for school. Her birthday of September 10th presents a problem. The cut-off date for public school is July 15th. So basically, if the state has their way, she will turn six two weeks into kindergarten. No way, momma don't play that way. This kid is too bright for that. She is bored already and if she starts school that late I can see lots of behavioral issues. So we've been checking into private schools, but even they have placement dates. We found one that we really like, Whitefield Academy. It's small, but very impressive. These kids start learning Latin in fifth grade! Every single child that graduates is in the 90th percentile nationwide. Honestly, I can't think of anything better to spend our money on! So Ash had her placement test there two weeks ago and I've literally had nightmares for a week that she didn't pass. I mean, if she doesn't get in here, we'll check out our second choice, St Thomas Moore, but it's a catholic school and we don't love that. So anyway, I got the call today that we're cleared to move on with the application process! She passed! As long as everything goes well, so can start kindergarten in the fall! I seriously teared up when I was listening to the voice mail. I didn't realize how much it meant to me until then. I was at work and Andi and Lily were staring at me like I was nuts. So know Brian and I have to interview with the headmaster. So Pray about that, because when it comes to traditional, conservative parents, we are less than. I mean, I think we do a great job, but do other people? We'll see :) I will, of course, keep you updated.

So we tried to go see Coraline tonight but that didn't work out so we ended up renting a couple of movies, a polar bear one for Ash and "My Name is Bruce" for us. Bruce Campbell's personal low-budget B movie just released. It totally lives up to everything a Bruce Campbell movie should. I highly recommend you all check out this straight-to-dvd fiasco of wondrous proportions

I think we may wait even longer than April to try to have another baby. I don't know, honestly, we've had a lot of bills come in recently that are pretty overwhelming. Nothing that we can't get under control soon, but still. I guess part of it is the hospital bill from the miscarriage and I think about the hospital bills from an actual birth and maybe we should have more money saved, be more on top of things. We're not bad, at all, but it's a fine line, you know? Part of me really wants a baby, part of me is terrified to get pregnant again. I've always said I don't want a big gap between Ash and the rest of my kids, that I don't want to be old when I have kids, but right now, I'm thinking the maybe waiting a year or two isn't such a bad idea. We are taking precautions right now, but not really great ones. I'll never get on birth control again, that's for sure. So anyway, maybe we'll just see what happens. Sometimes, we just try to plan too much.

I love my new tattoo and I want a hundred more.