Epic Love Story

I love love stories. Maybe cause I'm in one. I get all happy when people make it. When two people can just get over themselves and be happy together. My lover is a great guy who can deal with me and I am eternally lucky that I found one. He tells me every day that he loves me and haw lucky he feels to be with me, but I think I'm the lucky one.

Enough of that!

I am in my office right now and I am think this is my favorite room in the house. Except maybe the kitchen. Let me tell you what I love about this room. It is a disaster! There are stacks of cd's and books everywhere. There are several spots where stacks have tipped over and made a giant mess. There are stacks of photo albums, boxes overflowing with random things like pirate flags and leftover wedding invitations. There are posters all over the wall, like The Cramps, Johnny Cash and The Cure. Also the infamous shot of Robert Deniro in Taxi with the mohawk and the guns. You can see his smiling face through the window from the street and I do wonder what our neighbors say about us. This room is full of old friends. Music and books, my old journals. A ten pound barbell. Stacks of photos. A chess set. Candles. Tape. Belt buckles. Pens and hair clips and bobby pins and childrens books. This room is a mess and I love it.

I also love my cookbooks. Some times I just read through them and look for new ideas. I have a new one, The Complete Guide to Baking. I want to make a cheesecake. This book will show me how.

Excerpt from my journal -

My house
6-2-01
I hung beads in the doorway and cried in the middle of the afternoon today. I am in my own house. I am finally home. I am living my dream! I am so happy, God has blessed me to the most I ever imagined. Life is good, amazing wonderful. I am really on my own. I made it.

06-11-01
Band Practice
if my life had a soundtrack,
it would be you
with a sparkling laugh
ans smooth low tones
wide awake with wonderment
or softly questioning the night
with your life pulsing out of your skin
you are my ever-changing melody, alternately exciting me and calming me
You make so many sharp edges but I can see your delicateness peeking out from your boots
So many notes crashing together
you clash so well
You are my one-man band
singing directly to me without knowing it
You are my favorite song
making me turn up the volume and laugh and cry and smile and the emotions well up as your bass shakes my soul and your lyrics touch me deep inside and my blood pumps through me in time to your rhythm
You fit each moment perfectly like you were written just for me
When you're not here, I feel your absence underlying every action
Every now and then I see a flash of something new
and you surprise me again
You turn to smile at me and my heart jumps
You see me in the dark
When I don't know what to say
And even if I don't know the words
I can always dance
and I'm never quite alone
when you're singing to me
If my life had a soundtrack
It would be you.

8-15-01
Matt, Shorty, Beth, Perfect Robb, Kyja and Ryan all came over tonight and we all got smashed and played Monopoly and climbed on the roof of my apartment building and i am reminded of how lucky i am and how amazing my friends are.

2-23-02
Beth kissed me! Shorty broke up with Jim.

4-5-04
I can feel a storm coming over the city
The air feels cooler, cleaner
I can feel you growing inside of me and I am so scared
I feel like mother earth
a life producing goddess
more beautiful than I have ever been

6-27-04
I feel so gross and ugly. i'm getting fat end everyday my body gets more and more uncomfortable

11-9-04
Ashley Roze, light of my life, you were born on September 10th at 3:13 pm. I spent 20 hours in labor with you. i remember my mother was in town and my dad had just gotten into town too, Angela was coming over for dinner and so did Kyja. I had made a huge spaghetti dinner and Kyja told me that she was moving to Portland in six days. I think that may have had something to do with my water breaking. regardless, it did and 20 hours later you showed up, screaming and bloody, into my world. As soon as they gave you to me, you cuddled into my chest and stopped crying, you were just so tired. You knew you were home.

8-10-05
Divorce
Never felt like this before
no so much anyway
everything else fades
away at the end of the day
all I can think
red towards you
not good enough
not punk enough
not fun enough
Did you have to lie to me?
Did you think I wouldn't find out?
my love
tossed aside
out the window
like a dead butt
So I end up back here
safe even from you
Is she like
I used to be?
does she have any kids?
does she have short hair?
bet she thinks you're sweet.
You can never undo this
i've been disassembled
rearranged
my life is just beginning
you just threw yours away

10-24-05
I shared pudding with my beautiful, amazing, delightful daughter this evening. Her smile makes it all worthwhile.

1-16-06
If you had any clue, would you have still left? the joy that your child brings me permeates every minute of every day. She is sweet and funny and smart and loving. I cannot imagine life without her. She's a better version of me. I wish you knew, but you're probably better off not knowing, Someday a man will come along and want your job. He'll see this amazing girl and take her in his arms and love her almost as much as I do.

2-4-06
Do you really want to live forever?
Do you hear the night?
calling out to me
The voices of the past
the future
someday you'll come
You'll grab me by the hair and tell me that you cannot live without me
You cannot control me
But I cannot resist you
A culture of darkness calls to me
my colors so bright and garish
at least know they notice me
you told me
I'm all your broken dreams
You know where to find me
you know how to stay
forever young

(no date)
who is that girl
wearing my dress?
too skinny
too much make-up
too much hair
I'm standing here
with a shaved head
smoking cigarettes
defiant to the end
confused
wondering what happened

(no date)
Don't just turn head...Break Necks

There is a storm coming
I can feel it in the air
electric
I get so excited
in the dark
the flashing light
when I don't know what to say
thunder rumbles
you look at me
it grips me so, I cannot break free

let's bring it all into the light
see what needles through
left to wonder why
did you love me better in black or white?
don't you remember me from years before?
I wore white for yo
lipstick stains on my dress
I retreat

did you know this song bores me?
your tattoos belay your true thoughts
they draw me to you
the living color on your skin
I have dreams of
smoke and saxophones
but I wake up alone

can you read between the lines?
the lipstick stains on my mirrors
distort in this light
fake nails make me feel fake
who is the girl beneath all of this?
my masks keep you at bay
my scars and cracks and blisters
just distract you
you've seen this before
badass black
rock 'n roll red
porcelain poseur
lips locked
I don't care what you say
I'm inviting you
you can have me
lipstick stains and all

And you know what? He took me, lipstick stains and all. That was my last entry in the journal I've kept for twelve years. About that time I started blogging regularly and I guess the compute became my journal. Wow! I didn't really plan on sharing all that, but hey, sharing is what I do! Love it or leave it, I don't care. Sorry about the typos'