Jitterbug Perfume

If only Priscilla the waitress were here now. I may just go find the perfect taco tonight. I feel like I'm eating everything in sight! It's crazy. Today I went into a frenzy of baking and made my friend not only Chicken Marsala but also homemade macaroni and cheese with big chunks of ham. I made tons and put some in the freezer for us, too. I want to get it out and eat it right now. My kitchen looked like a tornado hit it. So at ten o'clock at night I danced through cleaning it up as Strummer watched.

Amy has a beautiful baby boy. I held him for an hour. And just for a second, my mind wanders into, what if this were my baby? My baby was that was but didn't make it? And I think I'm doing so well, but then I start crying. And then she's crying telling me about a similar experience that she had. And it just happens, I'm doing good and I can tell some people like it was nothing, keep a straight face and move on and then others, for some reason, a word, a touch, a look, and I'm bawling, reliving it all over again. Why do some women get babies and some women get crushed hopes? I have another friend who lost her baby days after birth. I cannot imagine that. To carry to term and deliver, to think, maybe, just maybe, to see that face, that whole little person, and to lose them. And I know that God heals, but grief is a part of our lives sometimes. And the grief I feel over a baby that was barely alive, that existed for four weeks at most, is immense, I cannot imagine people that lose children that they have had for much longer.

So here's the other thing I was thinking about as I hit the curve from I-70 to 291 south. Some girls I know are so sensitive. I feel like maybe I am missing that and I wonder why. I've had girls say things to me about different things that they get so upset about and I don't think I wold have gotten so upset. I think maybe I am just a pretty even-keel person. I tend to be pretty mellow, maybe. Or maybe I've been on my own so much, on and off for ten years, that I'm just used to taking care of myself and dealing with things myself. I don't know really where this is going, it's just a random train of thought. But it ended with, I wonder if Brian would have like me if I had been as emotional dependent as some people are. And that's not a good or a bad thing, either way, just different.

Jay Awesome, my favorite anarchist will be hitching through town next week. It should be good times, especially since he is no longer vegan although I was kind of looking forward to the challenges of vegan cooking. So stay tuned for more on that. I'm going to go find something else to eat.